fear. hope.

“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.” Yoda, The Phantom Menace


Every day, I live in fear. Not of ISIS or North Korea. Not of driving or walking around Baltimore. Not of Donald Trump, his policies that plan to reverse any progress the country has made or his openly racist views and supporters. Not even of a police officer pulling me over…ok, that’s a stretch.

But, I digress.

I live in fear of failure. Failure to fulfill my potential, to live my best life, to find my calling in life, to be successful and happy, to find love. It’s the paralyzing fear of the future not being reflective of the carefully laid out plan that I have for my life. This fear combines with the overall hopelessness that I feel many of young black people, particularly men, feel.

We see people that look like us getting gunned down in the street or in church choked out on camera, killed for wearing a hoodie or blasting our music too loud while the murderers face no charges or jail time. This burgeoning frustration and the caged, oppressive environment some of us live in breeds violence, chaos and a myriad of mental disorders that we try to avoid by overindulging in sex, drugs and alcohol. This excess is killing us, exactly as it is designed to. The issue is systemic and it all falls back on fear.

The fear that we as a people will not only simply beat the system but dismantle it, destroy the racist fabric covering America’s horrendous, naked truths and create a country truly for everyone. The fear that we can come together rather than live in isolation and that we will make the current ruling power a defunct minority.

As I examine how to conquer the fear that we as a people have, I know I have to conquer the fear within myself. I’ve battled with depression for ten years and every moment I’m awake, the darker recesses of my mind eat away at me, telling me that I’m going to fail and that I’m never going to be truly happy. I battle with the urge to literally give up and stop trying to live all of the time. I try to keep my balance and mental footing to avoid being pushed over the edge. In this battle, I leave fear behind and grasp on to the hope that better days are coming and that I won’t always feel in despair and lost.

It’s the hope that DC can actually be as good as Marvel but still different and that Game of Thrones season 8 won’t disappoint me.

I live every day looking forward to something small to keep me going and while it isn’t my ideal existence, I persist with the belief that trouble doesn’t last always and there are things worth living for. That I’m worth living for.

2 Comments

Add yours →

  1. God created you and let you live for His Purpose. To give Him Glory. Never give up. Seek God’s Will for your life and happiness, hope, and satisfaction will come. Things may seem dark, but life is worth living.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I loveee this. I admire your transparency, especially being a young black man. Fear is real and so is mental health. Proud of you for recognizing these things and holding on to the hope that God provides🙌🏾

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

thisopinionatedwallflower

come; read; discuss

stranger than fiction

reading literary journalism

The Cities Eternal

An Online Serial of Myth and Magic in the Modern Era

AreMyFeetOffTheGround

Stories, poetry, narratives of true experience, and guests who have moved me.

Dissect the Enigma

i wish i would have said this outloud.

the melanin project blog

just two girls discovering themselves

Tasakeru

The Tales of Outcasts, by BHS

Discover

A daily selection of the best content published on WordPress, collected for you by humans who love to read.

The Daily Post

The Art and Craft of Blogging

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

%d bloggers like this: